At some point in our lives, we will all inevitably experience some form of immense pain, tragedy or suffering. This suffering generally has a tremendous effect on all of us and whether or not it changes you as a person, for better or worse, is your responsibility. We all react differently, some take the negative energy and turn it into positive, driving it into their work, health, community or passion. For others, it might bring about some deep realizations and require a little bit of soul searching.The worst ways we can deal with this pain it either: shove it deep within us or become a victim. Like a grenade, the consequences of doing this impact our lives as much as the people around us, ruining health, relationships and careers.
It’s unfortunate, that almost all of us have played the victim at some point. I’ve certainly been the victim, during my fight with mental illness or after the many injuries I experienced with my athletic career. We like the attention, it makes us feel safe and gives us an excuse to not move on and it insidiously becomes a part of our identity. There is nothing wrong with accepting these parts of your past, it becomes a problem when it begins to define you and prevents you from living the life you want to live. You might use it as a scapegoat for your problems, a way of seeking love/attention and you are helpless because world is just “plain unfair”
Once this happens it becomes very difficult change but it is possible; you can positively reframe your situation and develop an action plan to change. Here are some ways to stop being the victim and continue your evolution to the best version of yourself.
Accept your pain
That means you take an objective look at your pain, fully accepting it and everything that has happened as a result. I want you to take whatever has happened in the last year, 5 years, 10 years and leave it there. In order to this, you need to forgive, whether that: be yourself, others or the world. You can fully recognize that you have experienced obstacles, yet realize they were neither right or wrong and no longer need to affect you. This allows you to begin letting go of feelings of fault, resentment, guilt, shame, anger and fear which fuel you behaviour as the victim. The moment we say any of the following things, we are put ourselves back into the victim mindset:
- Why me?
- Life is just not fair.
- I deserve better than this because I am: a good person, work hard, etc.
- My life shouldn’t be this way.
- It’s wrong what happened to me.
The reality is, we really have no control over what things good or bad come into our lives; we all make mistakes and shit will happen. The good new is, since we are 100% responsible for how we react to these experiences, we have immense influence on how our life looks moving forward.
Be honest and commit to change
The more important a call to action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel about answering it. But to yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be.~Steven Pressfield, The War Of Art
This is the hardest part, you must be brutally honest with yourself. Whatimpact is holding onto your pain having? Are you willing to accept these things for the rest of your life? If not, what necessary changes do you need to make to begin moving forward. In my experience, this required me seeking help, to begin attacking the bad habits and thought patterns I had developed. inevitably, you will feel fear when you start thinking about this, the victim doesn’t like it when you break the “rules.” We’ve become so used to being the victim, that becoming anything else will take some stepping out of our comfort zone and it can be scary. I found it helpful to ask myself: what’s the worst that could happen? For me, and many others, being the victim is the worst possible outcome.
To commit to change means that regardless of whatever negative emotions you experience you will continue to move forward. Fortunately, the more you begin to space yourself from the victim the easier this becomes; you now have room for the new you.
Create a healthy enviroment for the new you
Before you even begin taking action, establish a support network and create a healthy space to allow you to change. Make sure there is someone there to support you: that could be a family member, a therapist, a mentor, etc. Accountability is key and you want to surround yourself with people who are truly invested in your growth. At this point, you also want to remove yourself from any negativity that could cause you to slip back into your old behaviour. If there are people, places or situations that discourage you from changing your life; remove yourself from them. Once you start this process of evolution, it becomes clear which individuals genuinely value your well being and those who are simply being manipulative or abusive.
Personally, I needed to find a different place to live, for others this could manifest itself as the end of a relationship, change of careers or even religion. This can be hard, people might not understand, regardless of what happens know this process is ultimately for you.
Have a vision of the otherside
We are meant to evolve as human beings, making mistakes and learning from them is necessary part of our evolution. Now, to put gas in the tank, we must create a compelling vision for ourselves. Where do you want to be in life 5, 10, maybe 20 years down the line? this may requires some deep reflection on what you truly value as a person.
- Are you with family or friends? You probably value creating connection.
- Are you in a high position of success? You might be an entreprenuer
- In an exotic place? maybe you value exploration
You don’t have to be super specific, just picture something, it could be anything as long as it creates a spark of excitement or fear.
Now ask yourself, is the way you are living right now preventing you from achieing that vision? You want to create as much emotional energy to really kick start this process. This will get you started, from here you just need to learn the discipline to carry you through to success.
If you are going through this, you might find some helpful info in my article on value based decision making.
Move Forward
What you might find is that the more you distance yourself from negativity the more room you have for positive people, experiences or growing opportunities . These will be terrifying initially, but you must make a concerted effort to embrace them as often as possible to stomp out your victim mindset.
This doesn’t mean you will be free of future mistakes, pain or suffering. Fortunately, you now know to accept these things as enivitable and have some tools to help you continue becoming the best version of yourself
Thanks for being Curious
-Jake Pierce
StrengthCraft 